Enough

 

Harlow must have thought she'd hit the jackpot.

 

She's a major sucker for pretzels, and she knows that I often hide stashes of them in my "goodie bag" (AKA my super duper mom purse) and goes snooping for them around the house.  So, you can imagine her giddy surprise when she found this freshly opened bag of Kroger brand salty goodness at toddler level under her stroller.

 

And proceeded to rain them all over the front hall.

 

It took me about a full sixty seconds to realize what was going on, but clearly, she was quick to realize her glorious mistake and began grabbing them by the handfuls and shoving them in her mouth as fast as her little baby teeth would chew them.

 

She went down fighting as I scooped them back into the bag (but not before grabbing a snapshot.  Her guiltiness is still adorable to me at this phase of life.), explaining to her that she simply didn't need this many pretzels.

She had had a few, and that was enough for now.

We're sitting in a valley of discouragement at the moment.  Harlow's platelet counts are not coming up like they should (they haven't really budged in about ten days, and they are still far, far below normal), and it's got me worried. 

I cried most of the long drive back home from the clinic while Harlow (thankfully) caught up on her missed afternoon nap.  The frustration I feel right now is heavy.  I was hoping my daughter would be nearly well by now, and I don't know what all of this is going to mean.  Maybe it's the pessimism bitterly biting at my ear, but I feel like we are probably facing a long road of this.  I am doubting that this is going to be the "one and done" acute ITP that our docs were hoping for.

My sweet grandmother phoned me tonight to check in on Harlow and her results from today, and I explained to her that they were only up to 28,000 from 25,000 last week and that her doctor had hoped for over 100,000 by this point.

She gave a groan of empathy and commiserated, "It just wasn't enough, was it."

Enough.

The Lord has been bringing this word to mind consistently lately, and I keep being led back to the story in Exodus where the Israelites were wandering in the wilderness.

Exodus 16:1-36 tells us how they are grumbling against Moses and Aaron for their lack of sustenance (which is truly a grumble against God), and God, in His infinite mercy and grace, provides for them.

He rains down quail in the evening and manna (bread) in the morning, but He cautions them to only take as much as each person can eat for the day.  Any extra gathered would rot before the next sunrise.

HCSB's notes provide the following insight:

"This time Israel's complaint is longer and more hostile.  The people's memory was short and their hearts ungrateful.  If God were going to let them die, they would rather He had done so in Egypt.  This discounted the actions of the Lord's hand for them in the past as well as in the future ... Those who ignored the instruction not to keep any of the manna overnight presumably went without enough to eat.  They failed to enjoy the Lord's provision because of their distrust."

I am finding myself in a sort of wilderness at the moment that the Lord has led me into for a season.  The conditions are arid, and I am afraid.  I'm not sure where I am or where I'm going, and I'm wondering about--perhaps even doubting--the Lord's provision for us.

This 28,000...it doesn't feel like enough.  The money we have versus the bills we have coming...it doesn't feel like enough.

And yet, they are.  He's just not letting me hoard any extra manna for the moment.

Because He's teaching me to need.  To need Him.

The allure of the "extra" is that we tend to rely on it for our safety.  We look at the world and feel like we can face it--when we feel like we've stocked up enough provisions for ourselves.

The cushion is there and ready for us to fall if we need to.

But God, in His magnificent wisdom, has taken my cushion for the time being because He knows that's what makes me look to Him.

He's gathering the pretzels back into His bag because what He has placed in our   hands is all we need for right now.

I know, He says.  Trust me.

The beautiful ending to the wandering in the wilderness is found many books of the Bible later in Joshua 5:12.  It reads:

"And the day after they ate from the produce of the [new] land, the manna ceased.  Since there was no more manna for the Israelites, they ate from the crops of the land of Canaan that year."

The HCSB note reads, "The cessation of the manna signaled a new phase in Israel's history.  The people were no longer in the wilderness but in their homeland.  They began a new life in keeping with the celebration of God's historic acts of redemption.  Today this occurs with the new life in Jesus Christ whose death and resurrection bring it about."

He provided only what they needed every single day until they were out of the wilderness.  They had no surplus.  No cushion. 

But they had everything they needed.

Whatever season or wilderness you may find yourself in tonight, I urge you to join me in learning the beauty of God's faithfulness in providing for us as we need it.  I'm finding that the lack of abundance is helping me to appreciate what blessings He has allowed for us during this time.

And it's a radiant highlighter of His great love for us.

And for me, well,

That's enough.