Whew! This last month has been a whirlwind!
On April 18th, Brooksie (get used to the cutesiness...it's what Harlow and everyone else likes to call him) and I tied the knot in a beautiful ceremony at Hidden Trace Farm.
It really was perfect. We had rain every single day leading up to it, and even though we were promised a 90% chance of rain on Saturday, it was 81, sunny, and absolutely gorgeous.
We cooled our heels for about ten days after the wedding, laying low with Harlow in our new home before these two newlyweds busted out for a ten-day rendezvous to....
...Orlando, Florida!
We were super fortunate to get a free week in his parents' vacation home while we laid by the pool, bopped around the Disney parks, and made some, uh, interesting memories!
But in order to tell you about it in Brooksie/Chelsea fashion, we thought we'd (a) utilize his popular "things I've learned" list format and (b) do it together.
So without further ado...
THINGS I LEARNED ON MY HONEYMOON:
1. "I have my doubts about the caliber of marketing programs in Florida when I pass a billboard on I-75 that reads, 'STRIPPERS: AS SEEN ON JERRY SPRINGER!'" -Brooksie
If you've ever driven any interstate in the Deep South, you know we aren't kidding about this one. One way we passed the time on our 10-hour-plus drive was to find the most ridiculous billboards.
Our favorites included:
"Couples welcome! Great food!" (For a strip club)
and
"Uncontested divorces? Only $199!"
Stay classy, Florida.
2. "On a hot day at Epcot, no matter how different the food and cultures may be 'around the world,' body odor is a universal language." - Brooksie
I think his exact words were, "It's only 10 o'clock in the morning, people. Come on!"
3. "Be careful trying to help an elderly couple who speak a different language than you do at an amusement park -- you might be putting them in line for a roller coaster when they were actually looking for 'tres shipes de agua'--otherwise known as the three ferry boats back to the parking lot." - Brooksie
In our defense, we told them we no habla Portugese. But really, I hope they enjoyed the 70 minute wait for the Seven Dwarves Mine Train, along with the woman who weaved back and forth through the line because she couldn't find her kids Emily, Elizabeth, and Ethan.
I knew taking Latin in high school would get me places in life.
4. "If you make out on the Finding Nemo ride when you think nobody is looking, an animated fish might yell, 'STOP FOOLIN' AROUND!!' at a hilariously appropriate time." - Brooksie
I only have three things to say about that:
(1) It was pitch black.
(2) The other clamshells were turned away from us.
(3) Marlin needs to mind his business.
5. "After taking your wife on her first upside-down roller coaster, it's not acceptable to laugh until you've determined whether it's laughter or crying underneath all the hyperventilating." - Brooksie
Okay, this was what I was most proud of on our whole trip! At 28 years old, I FINALLY got up the nerve to go on an upside down roller coaster for the first time! I've been prodded to go for oh, you know, only my entire life by everyone who's ever gone to a theme park with me, but I decided that the Rock 'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith wasn't going to best me.
The theme was so much fun--you're being sent with backstage passes to an Aerosmith concert in a "super stretch" limo in a back alley.
I muttered my prayers and only nearly wet my pants probably eight or nine times while Steven Tyler screamed a countdown to the shotgun start--where you go zero to sixty in 2.8 seconds and, you know, immediately go upside down.
My question once we stopped was why were my teeth so dry (from all the screaming, obviously) and why wouldn't my legs move.
But I did survive, and I even asked to go a second time...
... and loooooooved it.
Upside down FTW.
6. "Walt Disney World is the happiest place on earth...until about 10 pm. All chivalry goes out the door after 12 hours in the parks." - Brooksie
I 100% support my husband's decision to take one of the seats on the park buses after a group of inconsiderate high school cheerleaders cut in line to take our spot on the bus we waited a half hour for and walked a mile and a half to get to. Especially when the person who's left to stand up on said bus is using the bus handles as an opportunity to perfect her pole dancing. I don't think she minded.
7. "When you're sitting in a circle on a raft ride, do whatever you have to do to make sure you aren't sitting directly across from the old British man sitting Indian style in a Speedo." - Brooksie
This particularly unfortunate Speedo stood in front of us in line for twenty minutes and was smaller than my bikini bottoms. And didn't quite clear his backside hilltops, if you know what I'm saying.
FYI, the Disney water park Blizzard Beach is a perfect opportunity to play "spot the thong."
8. "No matter how many rumors you hear that Disney parks run out of Elsa dresses early in the day, I can assure you that they will always, always have plenty of pieces of $100 sparkly blue fabric to sell you." - Brooksie
We only had to sell one of Brooksie's kidneys to include the crown and wand. Geez, Disney.
9. "It's a good thing I said 'I do' BEFORE I saw my wife's frustrations on a goofy golf course! If she has that much trouble dealing with a rotating Mickey Mouse, I can only imagine how much I'll annoy her!" - Brooksie
He's kidding...sort of.
In my defense, I don't even know how the Fantasia course could ever be considered something for small children, other than the fun landscape.
Let's just say I finished astoundingly above par.
9. "There is absolutely no hill in Florida steep enough to require hand brakes on a tandem bicycle. Unless your cautious and theatrical wife is your passenger. And you'd like to be able to sleep with both eyes closed." - Brooksie
LIES.
We found the cutest little tandem bike to ride around the Disney Boardwalk late one night, and after they told us specifically to USE YOUR HAND BRAKE and GO SLOWLY down the two hills in the circle (complete with map of where to use said hand brakes), my husband decides to ignore all rules and treat the sidewalk like a NASCAR speedway, where we almost ran over ten people, and I almost flew out the side of the bike into the bushes while screaming repeatedly, "HAAANDDBRAAAAAAKE!!!!"
This instance is why we are now accepting the names of good marriage counselors.
10. "If you want to hear your wife say, 'WOW!' and 'OH MY GOSH!' and 'WOOHOO' for 90 minutes...you should probably take her to see Cirque du Soleil's La Nouba." - Brooksie
I've seen CDS two other times, but I'd never seen the one they have in Orlando, and it was a-mazing.
If you've never had the pleasure of seeing a CDS show, I highly recommend finding one to go see. It's full of beautiful music, incredible sets, and acrobats who clearly spent their childhood years putting their parents into cardiac arrest with all of their daredevil-ness.
Our favorites were four young girls who spun tops in the air in sync while doing flips and standing on each other's heads and what not.
Incredible!
11. "Regardless of what our behinds may say, we are much happier when we can bike everywhere." - Brooksie
I probably hadn't ridden a bike in 20 years when Brooksie introduced me to the cruisers in their garage.
After the first night of falling and pedaling crookedly through the neighborhood, I couldn't get enough of our bike rides. We'd take them to the pool and for morning, afternoon, and midnight trips around the country club's beautiful streets and golf course, all while belting out George Ezra's hit "Budapest."
And yes, even in spite of the sore bottom, I was sad to leave them behind.
12. "Of all the things we did for the first time on our honeymoon, if smoking a cigar is the only thing my beautiful bride doesn't want to try again, I'm a lucky man!" - Brooksie
(Sorry, Mom and Dad).
Yeah, post-cigar vomit and Dorito breath is not my cup of tea.
13. "We are still undecided as to whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that Harlow didn't miss us while having all four grandparents spoiling her while we were away!" - Brooksie
We missed her TONS while we were away, but we rested easy at night after getting daily update pictures such as these, while she stayed at our house with Jamjams (Brooks's mom):
The only drawback is that now she expects a new toy every time we have to run to Target for groceries. (I appreciate that, guys.)
14. "As I sat on a sandy beach holding my wife's hand, I reflected on the journey that brought me to this point and came to the realization that nice guys don't finish last, they just cross a different and much more rewarding finish line." - Brooksie
What can I say? I am ridiculously blessed. Dating while having a toddler 90% of the time is by no means easy, but he never shied away from it or thought twice about embracing us as part of his life. Selfishly, I'm thankful for every failed first date and heartbreak he had to endure because it refined him into exactly what I needed him to be. I have the utmost respect for this man who voluntarily picked up where we were voluntarily left off and breathed a breath of liveliness into our lives. It is not lost on me just how lucky I am.
It was super important to have that week and half so that we could have a brief slice of what most couples get to experience in their dating and newlywed phases. And boy, was it ever worth every bit of the wait! I fell even more in love with him!
15. "Chelsea really became an official Parker when a look of depression took over her face as we backed out of the driveway in Florida to head home – a time honored tradition of pouting in our family!" - Brooksie
It's true! I had long heard about his idyllic summer vacations to the Ventura home, so it was wonderful to be able to experience it all for myself--yes, pouting included. A mile down the road, I was already mourning the loss of the warm breeze, palm trees, and don't-care vibe. Our return to the sunny town can't come soon enough!
17. "It's easy to return home from your vacation when your new reality is a dream come true!"
There so much from our trip that we haven't even touched on--riding the new Orlando Eye, our trip to the comedy club, all of the amazing rides and people watching at the parks, the Pirate's Cove mini golf course where I got two holes in one (take that, Disney goofy golf). But the best part...
...is that the BEST part of the honeymoon is the only thing I got to bring home with me.
Here's to new love, new life, and new happily ever afters!
And one last thing we've learned:
18. "As a newlywed, if you're tired of people asking you 'how's it feel?', it's much more enjoyable if you respond 'that's a little personal, don't you think?' and watch them blush." - Brooksie
Wink wink!
Xoxoxox,
Chels and Brooksie
