Waiting...For You

Here I am, God.  The world around me feels like it's falling apart, and I'm waiting for you to fix it.

When I miscarried before I got pregnant with Harlow, you taught me not to hold onto anything too tightly.  Hold it all loosely, you said.  And I learned it, Lord, but then I forgot, and I've dug in my nails again, and I'm waiting for you to say that I don't have to loosen my grip on anything.  I'm waiting for you to say I've learned enough for a lifetime.  But here we are again, and even though you won't speak, I feel you.

I feel you plucking my fingers, one by one, and telling me to stop holding on so tightly.

I've been here before.  I've met you right here, broken and scared at the foot of your request to surrender and throw my trust upon you.  And last time, I fought. 

But this time, I know better.  I might be waiting around forever for you to tell me I can have things my way.  So like Abraham, I'll follow you up the mountain.

Because you're good.

And I'll lay down what matters most.

Because you're faithful.

And I'll be willing to lose it all.

Even if you don't send a ram at the last minute.

No, I'm not going to wait around for you to pry it from my hands.  You can have it all--it doesn't belong to me anyway.  And even though the world is chaotic, and you seem to be missing in the midst of it--

Like C.S. Lewis says, I'm here.  And I'll get up.  And I'm intending, though it feels like you've forsaken me.  When I feel powerless before the world, I'll remember--

There is power on my knees.  There is power in your Name.

For I know you're good.  And I know you hear me and you see me and you love me.

And I'll thank you for every moment of comfort that you've allowed me to have and every provision you've chosen to give.

You're good, God.  Let the whole world know!  I give it up!  I give up the wait for your answers and the downfall of wrong and my need to feel good and my longing to feel comfortable.  Give me you.

Give me you.  Give me all of you.  You are what I want, and you are what I need, and without you, none of the rest of it matters because it isn't forever.  But you are.

So take it all.  Take everything, if you want.  And I'll keep moving.  Keep intending.  Keep living.  Keep waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting for you, Lord.  And I'll wait forever, Lord, if I have to.

Because you're what I want--and that's a wait that will be worth it.