Showered

When I was on vacation at the beach a couple of weeks ago--minding my own business and thoroughly relishing my time away from all things pregnancy-related--my Blackberry bing-bonged whilst my toes wiggled in the sand.

An email. Asking me to throw a baby shower. For someone who shares one of my due dates.

Ouch.

Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal, except that the person who sent the message is aware of my situation and how difficult it has been to watch this pregnancy progress.

I had already given this mother-to-be a baby gift a few weeks prior because I knew that going to her shower might be too much to handle.

I think some people don't understand how difficult it is to shop in the baby section for baby clothes when you've recently lost a child. It was my third attempt in 6 months at buying a baby gift for someone, and I finally bit the bullet and carefully chose several outfits for the baby-to-be.

As I sat wrapping each dress for her future daughter, I was overcome with sadness.

I wept over the last one, seemingly unable to finish covering it with the pink tissue paper because it sealed the fate that this wouldn't be for my little girl.

Baby showers are hard for those who have experienced pregnancy loss or infertility. Yes, I know. It's a happy time to love on the mother or parents-to-be and celebrate the new life that they are welcoming.

But you know what that means. Babies are on everyone's minds. There are the baby clothes that you have to oooh and aaah over. Toys. Diapers. Pacifiers. Pregnant belly worshiping. Baby games. Baby cakes. Sometimes even baby food (ew).

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby.

So yes. Please explain to me how a woman struggling to be a mother avoids thinking about the one thing that makes her burst into tears at a baby shower?

I've been to a few baby showers since we lost our little ones. I probably shouldn't have gone to one of them because not only did the baby's due date coincide with my first one, she named the baby what we named our first. That was surreal. And unbelievably hard. I stayed five minutes at the back of the room before I quietly left.

Another, I had originally planned to skip. The mother-to-be had been so kind to me throughout my miscarriages--she was there with me at work the night I lost our first and constantly checked up on me to see how I was doing--and so I really wanted to get her a baby gift. I told her that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to her shower, and she completely understood, so I gave her the gift beforehand.

But somehow, I got a second wind. And I went to the shower. And I didn't cry or have a terrible time. It was still hard to fully enjoy the experience, but the mother-to-be made it easier by being so understanding about my situation. So it made me want to celebrate with her.

Since people aren't going to stop having babies and baby showers, and since some people are always going to struggle with their fertility, here are some helpful hints when including the reproductively challenged in a baby shower.

1. Do include her. I've done a lot of internet research concerning this subject, and it seems that mothers-to-be tend to be hesitant in inviting an "infertile" woman to her baby shower because she fears it will be too hard for her. If she is your friend, invite her. Don't exclude her because you assume that she won't be able to handle it. You don't know what she is capable of handling. Getting a baby shower invitation may be a hard pill to swallow if there's been a recent pregnancy loss (or perhaps at any time for a woman struggling with infertility), but excluding her would be more hurtful. Don't make the decision for her; let her decide what she wants to do.

2. Do let her know that you understand if she isn't up to attending. This right here is what makes all the difference. If you know she's struggling to become a mother, let her know following the invitation--either by email or phone call or however--that you understand that she's going through a tough time, that you understand if she doesn't feel like she can attend, but that you care about her and wanted to make sure she was included. If she has openly dealt with infertility/pregnancy loss, and you send out a mass email/invitation with no regard for how this might make her feel, she's less likely to attend, and she is likely to feel as though you don't care about her.

3. Do respect whatever decision she makes. If she decides not to attend, be oh so supportive of this. Baby showers can feel like pouring salt in a wound if the timing is just right. She loves you and cares about you, but it just might be too hard right now. Love her no less for this; she probably feels horrible that she can't make herself feel up to going.

4. Do cherish a gift if she sends one. Know that she braved a baby section of a department store to get you that. It was probably more difficult than you'll (hopefully) ever understand.

5. Do reach out to her if she attends. Especially if she doesn't know anyone there. The only way I was able to go to any baby showers at all is because I had a friend who knew my situation go with me. She let me know that the second I needed to go, we would go. You don't have to make this a huge deal, but quietly ask her how she's doing from time to time, and if she leaves early, understand that it probably just got to be too much for her.

And I can't believe this one has to be spelled out...

6. Do NOT ask her to throw the shower. There are some women who are capable of doing this following infertility/pregnancy loss, especially if it's a close friend. But it's completely insensitive to ask. If she wants to, she will offer. Throwing a shower involves lots of energy, time, effort, and money, and grieving the loss of a child along with that may drain her of everything she's got. Include her, but don't make her feel at all obligated to put on the show.

To all of you super fertile Myrtles out there, please love on your fertility-challenged friends. They aren't trying to be selfish and steal your thunder; and they don't think that you should feel bad about having a successful pregnancy.

But this stuff is hard, hard, hard.

Both of you are going through life-changing experiences here. Your pregnancy affects your day-to-day life and your future, and pregnancy loss and infertility does the same for her. Grieve and celebrate together. Lean on each other. Be there for each other.

And shower the people you love with love.