Misunderstanding after misunderstanding occurs when tragedy strikes; people clam up because they're afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. So they do something worse--they say or do nothing. Whether it's a loss of a family member, a pregnancy, a job, or a dream, here are some guidelines for how to handle responding to the hard stuff.
1. Do make it a point to go up to them the next time you see them. They aren't diseased, they're hurting. You can rationalize that the reason you're "staying away" is to "give them space," but let's be honest--you just don't know what to say, and that makes you uncomfortable. Be a friend and be there physically for them.
2. Don't say something profound. Really. Don't. Because what you think is "profound" is probably nothing but a platitude that they have likely heard 9000 times already. Don't tell them "it was for the best" or "they're in a better place" or "you've still got time" etc. True or not, they aren't helpful, especially if the event has happened recently.
3. Do tell them how sorry you are. Plain and simple. No bells, no whistles. There's nothing you can do or say to make it better, but chances are, this little phrase will be more comforting than the most philosophical thing you can think of.
4. When some time has passed, do check up on them. It's easy for people to be mindful of someone going through a tragedy when it's fresh. It takes a thoughtful person to remember that deep hurts don't pass quickly. Just because a funeral/D&C/etc. is over doesn't mean that they are "over" it. They may be putting on a pretty face, but that's because they don't want to be a "downer." If you're really friends with them, let them know that you're there for them no matter how much they may still be hurting and no matter how long it takes for them to starting feeling some semblance of "normalcy" again.
5. Do be sensitive if you gain something that they have lost. For instance, if someone loses a job, and then you get a promotion at work, don't brag about it in front of them. Don't expect a woman who has experienced infertility or miscarriage to plan (attend even?) your baby shower. Be respectful if they don't respond how you think they should, especially if you've never been in their position.
6. If a baby was lost, don't repeatedly ask if they're trying for another. Chances are, any future pregnancies are going to be kept strictly under wraps until the couple feels comfortable enough to share it with others. Assume that if nothing's been said, there's nothing to tell.
7. Do listen. And listen well. Let the person vent if he or she wants because sometimes, that is the best therapy. But don't let their words fall on deaf ears; concentrate. Focus on what they are saying.
8. Don't try to "fix" it. Often, there's nothing you can do to "fix" it. Don't formulate all sorts of plans for them to put into action. It's admirable that you want to help, but ask them for specific ways that you can be of support. This may include bringing a meal, helping to babysit children if a parent needs to go out on an interview, or simply providing them with an afternoon of company.
9. Don't talk about them behind their backs. This should not provide an opportunity to gossip. Talk to them, not about them.
10. Do recognize that certain dates will be difficult if a family member or child was lost. These can include Mother's Day/Father's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, death dates, Christmas, etc. And then some days will be difficult for no reason at all. If you sense they are having a difficult time, give them a hug or a sweet message. If you would like to do something to honor the deceased person, that is always appropriate and would likely be cherished.
11. Do be a trustworthy friend. Grief can bring to light ugly thoughts and feelings and those are to remain private. It's not your position to share that information with anyone else. Realize that you are protecting fragile emotions.
12. Don't think that if you haven't been in their shoes that you can't provide comfort and support. You don't need to have all the answers. Learn with them how to cope with the situation, and who knows? You might be unwittingly preparing yourself for a future hardship.
13. Don't support numbing the pain with alcohol, partying, or reckless behavior. This only delays dealing with the issue at hand and prolongs the person's grief process.
14. Do recognize that every person grieves at his or her own pace. Two people can go through similar losses, and one may move on much more quickly than the other, but it doesn't mean one is more "normal" than the other. Don't be alarmed by this; be patient.
15. Don't assume that their loss is the only thing that they want to discuss. Sometimes, the person may need a break from all things sad and heavy. Go with where the personal leads conversationally, and don't be afraid to outright ask if they want to talk about it. Most people will appreciate this.
16. Don't assume that they are depressed because you feel that they are taking too long to grieve. Sad does not necessarily equal depressed.
17. Don't tell someone who has miscarried to "relax" or "adopt first" or "quit trying so hard" so that a successful pregnancy will magically manifest. You are not a doctor, and those reasons are not only incorrect, they're just plain ridiculous.
18. Do let them cry. It may make you uncomfortable, but it is a great release when going through a tough time. Encourage it, don't stifle it. And please, please, please don't tell a person how ugly she looks because she has mascara running down her cheeks. That's just mean.
19. Do be the kind of friend that you would want during a difficult time. They are likely to pay you back in full when you inevitably face a tragedy.
20. Don't tell them that you "know how they feel." You may have experienced something similar, but you don't truly know how they feel. This can invalidate a person's feelings.
21. Don't use a person's tragedy as a springboard to talk about yourself. Frankly, it's not comforting when people want to go on and on about how the same thing happened to them. It makes you seem selfish; the person is hurting and needs your focus. If they are aware that you have been through a similar situation, they will come to you for your advice when they are ready.
22. Do help them remember how to have fun. Go out for lunch dates, go shopping, take them to a ballgame--whatever is enjoyable for them. Make it a time where you only talk about positive things. Make them laugh! It helps remind them that things won't be terrible forever.
23. If a baby was lost, do refer to the child by his or her name, if the parents named the baby. Constantly referring to it as a "miscarriage" or "stillbirth"skirts the issue that a person passed away. Let the parents know that you recognize that they lost a child, not that they suffered a medical abnormality.
24. Do continue to be a presence in their lives, even when the grieving process seems to have come to an end.
25. Do pray for them, especially if you tell them that you will.
This list is not exhaustive, but it's definitely a start. I know that being a friend to someone going through a tragedy can leave you feeling helpless. It's hard to see someone you love hurting that much. But if you provide them with love, support, and plenty of time, your friend will hopefully regain his or her spirit.
Until next time...
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